Bright-eyed and excited, 32-year-old Liz arrived in Bangkok ready to take on a new city and enjoy the life of a trailing spouse that her husband's new assignment afforded.
Liz's Story
Photo by Carolyn O'Neill
Acclimate, September 2008
"I had this vision of a fun and glamorous expat lifestyle. I dreamed our life would be filled with travel to exotic locations, black-tie events, a maid and a driver to meet our every need, and the freedom to enjoy my life as a full-time volunteer and lady of leisure," Liz recalls.
What she didn't envision was her marriage falling apart, or the divorce that came a year later.
In the beginning
Life in Bangkok started out just as she'd hoped. For the first six months, Liz and her husband traveled, explored the city on the weekends, and met new friends. They even started a weekly date-night tradition at their favorite Mexican restaurant, Charley Brown's. To Liz, it felt like they were enjoying a re-birth in their marriage. There hadn't been anything wrong with their relationship, but after six years, things had gotten a little predictable.
Liz joined the AWC and quickly became very active in the community. She met new people, enjoyed lunches with friends, engaged in meaningful volunteer work, organized events, explored the city, joined a book club, shopped, exercised, picked up a few new hobbies, and traveled. She was living the life of her dreams.
Liz was happy. But there were signs that everything was not quite as perfect as she wanted to believe. Her husband had made some new friends. He was coming home later, and going to bars more often. He made excuses to avoid going out with Liz and the friends she'd made. Soon they started fighting.
And one night it all came to a head. He went to play pool with one of his friends, promising to return home by around 11p.m. At 1a.m., he walked in, reeking of alcohol. The fighting resumed.
"I finally asked him if he even wanted to be married anymore," she recalls, "and he hesitated. That pause was the single worst moment of my life. In the 10 seconds that he didn't speak, my world crashed around me."
The beginning of the end
Liz was crushed, but she also felt certain that her husband was going through some sort of phase or maybe an early mid-life crisis. If she tried hard enough, or gave him enough space, he would come to his senses and come back to her, and their relationship would be stronger than ever for having weathered this storm. Confident of this, she kept their problems quiet. She knew that if she told her friends and family, after the marital problems had passed, they'd still remember what he'd put her through.
Even when her mother and godmother came to visit, Liz hid the truth. They lived together, side-by-side, for two weeks, and she fought every urge to cry on their shoulders. One night, she recalls, her godmother commented on how difficult the expat life could be on a marriage. Dying inside to tell the truth, Liz bit her tongue and simply nodded.
Shortly after that visit, Liz's husband emailed her from a business trip. He'd thought about it enough, he said. The marriage was definitely over.
Moving out and trying to move on
While he was still away, Liz packed a few things and moved in with some friends who lived in the same apartment building. She was forced to start coming clean with her friends and family.
"I felt so ashamed. I felt like a failure," she remembers. "But I figured I had two choices: I could curl up in bed and ignore the world, or live my life. I've never been a 'curl up' kind of girl."
But it was incredibly hard. They had a dog, so when her husband was at work, she would stop by the apartment she used to call home to take the dog out. One time, while she was there, she went into the bedroom to retrieve her pillow, which she'd accidentally left behind when she hurriedly moved out.
"There was a long, straight, black hair on the bed," she says. She panicked and, in her shocked stupor, actually collected the hair in a Ziploc bag, unsure of exactly what she'd do with this key piece of evidence, but sure that she needed it.
And then, a week later, on what used to be her date-night, her friends took her to Charley Brown's, where she saw her husband with another woman. They were casually enjoying each other's company—like they had known each other for awhile—and were loaded with shopping bags—more evidence of a relationship that was more than a one-night-stand. At their restaurant, on their date-night. He didn't even look at Liz as he and his date passed her table on their way out.
Picking up the pieces
By now Liz had told her friends and family back in Texas the truth, and they all wanted to know the same thing: "When was she coming home?" Everyone, including Liz, assumed that she would go back to Texas and start her life over again, surrounded and supported by the love of the people she'd known her entire life.
Liz had remained active in the AWC throughout this ordeal, and she was helping to organize the annual gala. She decided to stay in Bangkok to see the event planning through. Then, in October, after the gala, she decided to stay through December, to finish out the year. She booked a one-way ticket to Texas that would get her home in time for Christmas.
From October through December, while staying with friends, Liz had the luxury of time to think about her life and how she wanted it to look. She'd married young—just out of university—and had always put her husband's needs before her own. "I found the experience of thinking about what I wanted—putting my needs first—exhilarating!" she says.
"Then one morning I literally woke up to the realization that I loved living overseas and that, if I was going to have to start my life over, why not start it over here? Moving back to Texas would not magically solve my problems. I would still have to find a job and a place to live. I resolved not to leave Bangkok without trying to make a life for myself here first."
And a life for herself she has made. Liz's previous work experience leading community groups, along with her friendly and effective networking skills, helped her land a full-time professional position. The job provided a work permit and an income, which allowed her to move into an apartment of her own.
She's even started dating someone seriously. He's a wonderful man: warm and attentive, and committed to a life overseas, just like Liz. She doesn't know exactly where her life is headed next, but she's sure now that she has the confidence and skills to handle anything.
Lessons
So many times when a marriage falls apart overseas, the wife ends up leaving and we never hear the truth about what happened, or the lessons she learned. That's why Liz wanted to tell her story. She hopes that we'll benefit from her experience.
Here's what she wants us to know:
She wishes she had realized that the bars here aren't like the bars back home, and that some of the women are predatory. She's not sure she would have done anything in her marriage differently, and she thinks things might have fallen apart eventually, even if they'd never moved here. But she wishes she hadn't been so shocked by the situation.
She believes that if your husband is going to these bars frequently, and refuses to stop, there's a problem. There are other bars and restaurants in Bangkok where men can go for a night out with the guys that doesn't involve predatory prostitutes and bar-girls. She also believes you should talk to your husband about his experiences. If he refuses to talk to you, or claims that he's never heard of situations like this, there might already be a problem.
Living here doesn't make a man cheat. However, it can make cheating seem easier and more acceptable for those who are so inclined. One friend used this metaphor: Back home, I'd never ride a motorcycle. But, here, they're everywhere, and everyone's doing it, and I hop right on.
In spite of everything she's been through, Liz still believes in marriage. "I have believed for a long time that if two people are committed to each other, the marriage will work. But each partner needs to wake up each day and wonder what he or she can do to make the marriage successful."