Taking a gap year—a year to experience life beyond our own borders—usually happens between studying and real life. It is less common for adults to find opportunity for a gap year—between jobs, perhaps, or post-divorce—on an "Eat, Pray, Love" sort of self-reflective quest. But how many happily married, 30-something women pull their three kids out of school, grab their husbands, and set off for a year exploring the world as a family? Here is one woman's story of how her family ended up doing just that.
Elizabeth's story
Acclimate, May 2010
Elizabeth was working her way through college at a bagel shop in Albuquerque back in 1994 when a talkative young man found his way to her cash register. As they chatted, the line of waiting customers grew so long that she had to promise to chat with him later at his table, so she could keep business flowing. When she sat down next to him to continue their chat a few minutes later, the young man's brother peered out from behind a newspaper. "That's when the molecular structure of the room changed," Elizabeth recalls. She returned to her apartment in a daze and said to her friends: "I think I just met the man I'm going to marry."
Three months later they were engaged. Nine months after that, they were married. This September, they'll celebrate their 16th anniversary.
Elizabeth and Lewis are both third culture kids. She moved 16 times before her 16th birthday as the daughter of a U.S. Air Force pilot. He grew up in Hong Kong, an American boy who got into trouble and had a lot of adventures before his mother died of cancer when he was in his teens.
"We found a home in each other, because we were both kind of homeless," explains Elizabeth. An adventurous spirit has always bound them together. "We've always felt like we'd be willing to sell the house and take off on an adventure—and we always wanted to live abroad. But life gets in the way: mortgages, getting careers going…."
Before their wedding, Elizabeth and Lewis spent two months rock-climbing in China and Thailand. If they weren't quite sure, enduring 14-hour bus rides and lots of hours in train stations together proved they were a perfect match. After they married, they started their own rock-climbing and wilderness travel company, and planned their next adventure.
Lewis's dad has his own travel mission: to travel to places on the brink of development or change that are at risk of losing their uniqueness. With that in mind, Elizabeth and Lewis booked a trip to Pakistan in 1996 when a friend and former ambassador to Pakistan advised them that this could be their last chance to see the country before unrest made the journey a lot less compelling.
Six days before they were scheduled to depart, Elizabeth found out she was pregnant. She was only 23 and completely inexperienced in motherhood. They wondered if they should make the trip when it dawned on her: "They have pregnant people there!" she recounts, laughing. "Everything was already paid for. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Why not go?!" The experience turned out to be profound—and fundamentally affected how she would raise and nurture her children.
Elizabeth had been a tom-boy and had never baby-sat—she knew next to nothing about pregnancy or raising children. When they arrived in Pakistan, the woman who hosted them took the pregnant Elizabeth under her wing. She didn't speak English, and with no shared language, communications were basic and natural. "Everywhere I went, I was scooped into women's homes. It was an intimate look into the culture," Elizabeth remembers. She watched how the women loved and nurtured their young children in ways that she thought the West might consider too coddling or protective. And she watched the older children thriving—they were fearless and independent—and thought surely that was a product of the loving way they'd been raised. The experiences empowered her. "They gave me the confidence to follow my own intuition as a mom," she says.
That confidence led her to resist the notion and expectation that there is one right way to raise kids. "Pediatricians tell you what you should do, what your baby should be doing. But we as women have our own, deep, intuitive knowledge, and we need to raise the volume on that voice. My life's work is to help women find their best course. They should read everything, but find their own way. No single authority can tell you what's best."
Finding their village
A few years later, when Lewis and Elizabeth were expecting their second child, they decided to leave Albuquerque. At that time, New Mexico was ranked as the second-worst state in the U.S. for raising kids. There was a high rate of teen pregnancy and drugs, and every trip to the grocery store seemed to produce myriad examples of bad parenting. They had been to San Francisco, and felt that it would be a more wholesome place to raise their kids. Also, Elizabeth had just completed her MBA and believed San Francisco would provide more career opportunities.
They found and purchased a home with Lewis's brother and his wife—each family had individual flats on separate floors—and began a communal life together. "I found my people there," Elizabeth says. "Women who are educated and successful, yet great moms, too." Elizabeth started her own business helping other people start their own businesses. She volunteers, both as a "parenting support educator" and with The Art of Yoga Project, which helps incarcerated girls identify and address their physical and emotional issues. Along the way, they had a third child, their first boy. Life was busy and fulfilling, but they still dreamed of living abroad someday.
They had traveled quite a bit with the kids, but had never lived outside of the U.S.—they'd never been away long enough to "dislodge them from the U.S. culture," Elizabeth says. And that worried them. "I said to Lewis, if we never live outside the U.S., I'm worried that we won't be able to relate to our kids as adults." So they decided to go.
A family sabbatical and world tour
It took four grueling months of planning and Elizabeth worked harder than she ever had. As the owner of her business, she had to prepare her clients for her yearlong hiatus. Since they would be pulling the kids out of school, homeschooling textbooks and plans had to be arranged. Their house had to be culled so they could rent it out, and renters had to be found. (The rental income would provide the budget for their trip.) They made arrangements to leave their dog with her brother and sister-in-law—and tended to the millions of other details we all slog through before making an international move.
They knew they'd be gone for a year, but where did they want to go? What did they want to do? They decided on a basic itinerary that would take just under one year—from July 2009 through May 2010—and would include stops throughout the United States, Morocco, France, Hong Kong, Bhutan, India, Indonesia, Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, and Thailand. Along the way they'd visit friends and family, trek, camp, volunteer, explore, and enjoy each other's uninterrupted company.
Homeschooling
Elizabeth handles most of the traditional lessons, but admits that the classroom work is just a small part of the children's education. Yes, they do have textbooks and lesson plans—especially for math and science—and they complete assignments and projects. They also write about their experiences, including letters they send to their teachers back home to read to the classmates they'll be rejoining next year. Elizabeth boasts that her oldest daughter, Marcelle, 13, is already a gifted writer who has completed short novels. Her second daughter, Jacqueline, 10, is coming into her own, too, spending much of this year's assignments learning to express herself in her own voice and style. It's probably too early to say exactly what their youngest child, Hugo, will remember—he's just 5 years old—but both parents know that this journey will have changed him. "All three are such open-minded, open-hearted people," Elizabeth explains. "Traveling itself is a huge education. Experiencing Islamic traditions in Morocco during Ramadan is an education. I want my kids to know that there are beautiful, kind people all over the world. They might look different, but they're still moms, dads, children, just like we are."
Before they left, the girls had to work through some fears. "What if one of us dies?" they asked. "This idea that the world is a scary place is so profound and such a big part of our [American] culture," Elizabeth sighs. "I'm much more likely to die in my car, five miles from my house. I believe in living a life driven by passion and informed by fear. I want my kids to know that other places are beautiful. And that not everyone has iPhones, and that some kids have to travel big distances just to get to school."
As they near the end of their year, Elizabeth recalls some of the highlights. If you asked the kids, she says, they'd all agree that Bhutan was their favorite stop—an extravagant gift from Lewis's father. They loved how ecologically protected it is—they are, after all, "green" kids from San Francisco! They hiked for nine hours one day without seeing anyone else; the streams aren't polluted and there's no airplane traffic.
Having the kids see Hong Kong, where Lewis grew up, was also rewarding and helped them understand their dad better. It's been 25 years since his mother died but, especially touching for Lewis, they were able to spend time with her close friends and visit her favorite restaurant.
For Elizabeth, the best part has been all the fun little things that they've had the time to do together without the stresses of normal, daily life. "The minute the door closed and we were on our way, everything lightened for me. I can feel that my shoulders are about two inches further away from my neck. Having dance parties with the kids. Doing yoga every day. Everything we can't do in the U.S. on the hamster wheel of busy-ness." That is what has been invaluable to Elizabeth.