"I've learned to adapt. So I can't buy sour cream? I make my own. It might not be 100% like the original, but so what?!" And that sums up the spirit and attitude of Anita, who has successfully navigated 23—yes 23—expat relocations, while maintaining both her sanity and her enthusiasm.
Anita's Story
Photo by Karen Leubbers
Acclimate, September 2008
Born and raised in Singapore, Anita met her future husband Mike when he was on his own expat assignment. An Australian by birth, he started his life overseas in the oil industry at 18. Five years later, while assigned to a rig in Indonesia, he was living in Singapore. Anita, who had never lived away from her father's home, knew that a life with Mike meant a life of adventure: a life far from home.
Shortly after they were married, they set off for a small, country town 30 miles outside Aberdeen, Scotland. A true city girl, Anita had some quick adjustments to make. First, she had to learn to drive and get a license, which had never been necessary in Singapore. And having grown up with household help, she'd never learned any of the daily chores that were now her responsibility.
"Driving had never been on my to-do list! Or cooking, for that matter! You get thrown into the deep end of the pool. You just have to do it. I didn't know I had it in me!" Anita remembers with a laugh—an easy laugh that you can see has served her well throughout every new challenge.
The next move, this time to Newfoundland, Canada, didn't seem like such a shock. The move to Scotland had gotten her accustomed to dramatically different weather from her native Singapore. And by now she was driving, cooking and running her household with a bit more ease. She became pregnant with her first daughter, Melissa.
But, before Melissa was born, they were off on their next assignment, this time back to Asia, in Shikoku, Japan. While her husband started his job, she spent a month in Singapore for Melissa's birth. Working on an oil rig meant it took Mike a little while to get to Singapore, and he arrived two weeks after the birth.
"It never occurred to me to be upset that he missed the first two weeks of her life," she recalls when asked about going through such a life-changing event without her husband by her side. A perfect example of Anita's amazingly positive, unassuming attitude.
After two years in Japan, they moved to southern China, where Anita became pregnant with her second daughter, Sabrina. But, just two weeks after giving birth, they were all on a plane together heading to their next assignment: Norway.
The next several years were full of short contracts and lots of relocations. After Norway, they headed to Holland for several months, and then they were back in Norway. This time they were so far north, they were above the Arctic Circle. Fortunately, they were there for four summer months, where they enjoyed constant sunshine for their entire stay.
Next it was back to Holland again, and then on to Denmark. They returned to Holland again, then were assigned back to Aberdeen, Scotland, 10 years after their very first assignment there. Older and wiser this time, she told her husband, "If you think you're sticking me out in the countryside again, you've got another thing coming!" Because by now, Anita had discovered the expat joys of shopping and exploring new restaurants, and knew that living in the city provided many more opportunities and conveniences.
After Scotland, the family headed to Australia—home country to Mike, but really another expat assignment for Anita and the girls, who had never lived there. They spent one and a half years in Melbourne before deciding to take a break from oil and work the family farm that Mike's father managed.
"Farming is a great lifestyle, but a very difficult way to make a living," Anita admits. They experienced quite a bit of culture shock, especially financially, but were glad for the opportunity. Mike had always wanted to work on the farm, and this fulfilled that wish.
But, a few years later, the oil industry called and wanted him back. With only four suitcases, the family headed off to Brazil, where Anita encountered the greatest language barrier she had ever experienced. So, just as you'd expect from this lady, she simply learned to speak Portuguese, which made their stay easier and more fun.
After only 10 months, they were off and running again, this time to Dubai. While Mike commuted every other month to work in Iran, Anita and the girls stayed full-time in Dubai, a city she absolutely loved. She could never understand the other expat spouses who complained and she was continually trying to help them see the benefits.
After Dubai, they started what would be their most difficult posting: Lagos, Nigeria. Anita vividly recalls the night they arrived. It was December 22nd, and while they were heading to the hotel from the airport—all four of them in a rented car—armed gunmen in official-looking uniforms stopped them. One of the men pointed a large rifle into the car and ordered Mike to "show them" his wallet. When he refused, they said they had been tipped off that he had drugs, and they needed to see his wallet to prove he was innocent.
Anita and the girls were scared and crying, and Mike got angry. With the gun still pointed at his head, he stepped out of the car and said, "Now look what you've done! You've upset my family! Take me to your supervisor!" Apparently his behavior shocked them into humility, and they let them continue on their journey. What a welcome to the country! Of course, today, Anita thinks they'd behave differently. Perhaps today they wouldn't have survived.
But in spite of that start, and the many other difficulties they experienced along the way, her children still remember Nigeria with fondness. They had a nice house in a compound with a swimming pool and tennis courts, and they enjoyed going to the beach.
"As parents, you have to stay calm. If you fall to bits or show negativity, that's all your children will know," she says. Today, the girls don't even recall the incident in the car, and Anita believes that's because she and Mike never dwelled on it in front of them. Of course they were all scared at the time, but she has helped her daughters stay safe while enjoying life.
Their next two moves took them to the U.S.: Lafayette, Louisiana, and Tulsa, Oklahoma. In both cities, Anita struggled to find her niche. In these towns, she found, most women already had friends—lifelong friends in many cases—and weren't necessarily looking for more. She felt very foreign, without a foreign community. It was during this time that she and Mike decided to send the girls to boarding school in Australia. Not sure where they'd be living, or for how long, they wanted the girls to have some consistency while they finished high school and prepared for college. It was difficult to let them go, but everyone agrees that it was the best decision.
After six months in Oklahoma, they headed back to Asia, which made Anita very happy. Not only did she love their new home, in Surawak, Borneo, but it was close enough for their families to visit. They lived in a town with many other oil industry expats, and they enjoyed four fabulous years there.
Then, a tragedy in the family found Mike and Anita back in Australia, where they helped with the family farm again. While it was unfortunate circumstances that took them there, they were grateful for the time they spent on the farm with their family.
When Mike was offered another job one and a half years later, they headed back to Borneo, but this time to Brunei. After a year and half of doing her own housework on the farm, heading to a place where she could have a maid sounded pretty great!
They spent one and a half years in Borneo, followed by an additional five months back in Surawak. And then, in February 2008, they landed in Bangkok, where Anita hopes they'll stay for a long time. Having lived in smaller towns for the past eight years, getting back to her big city roots was a bit intimidating: the noise, the traffic, the crowds—all of it was a bit daunting at first. But, now she's acclimated and loving it.
Anita's Formula For Expat Happiness
Wherever you are, make a home. Even when she knows she'll only be some place for a few months, she hangs pictures and unpacks boxes so everyone feels settled and at home.
Join a gym. Having a gym membership gives you some place to go—outside of your house—and affords you a way to expend some of the energy and frustrations you build up during a move.
Look for a club or interest group to join. You might have to try many different ones before you find the right fit, but find one that gives you something to look forward to. You'll need interests of your own to "keep you from chewing out your husband when he gets home because you've been bored and frustrated all day," Anita says.
Make a life together. Whenever possible, live in the same place as your husband, rather than commuting between places. It's good for you to be able to see each other every day. And try not to visit your home country too often or it might prevent you from making a life in your new country.
Look for the positives. If you look for disappointments, you'll find them. So try to focus on what is good about each location. Anita says she's been happy with every place she's lived. There are some that she wouldn't necessarily be excited about returning to for another tour of duty, but she learned to make the most of each assignment while she was there.
Think of every place as a new page, and leave your old expectations behind. Know that this isn't permanent. Enjoy it. Take advantage of it. Make the best of it, because it's not forever.